As of today, there are only nine candidates who have raised enough money to partake in the third Democrat debate. Yes, you read that right, one of the qualification is earning, or being given enough money. Stupid we know. 

And that's what brings us here. We've been getting f***ed by our politicians of all sides for far too long. Like really, only Americans would put up with all the shit we have taken over the years. No matter your politics we can all agree that candidates will say whatever it takes to win and then go right back to lubing up before taking us for all we've got. 

So if politicians are going to continue to f**k us. We might as well imagine them as people who get paid to f**k. So here they are, the top nine Democrat candidates reimagined as porn stars. 

Joe Biden as Brandi Love

Both of these old bags have been in the game long enough to know how it works and which buttons to push. Joe's mind is falling out of his head and Brandi probably doesn't let herself get more than 50-feet from a toilet. Go home and play with your grandkids already, damn, they miss you. 

Amy Klobuchar as Rachel Starr

Rachel Starr is a house hold name. She's earned her stripes and has a vast catalog of old videos people can still enjoy to this day. And we assume Amy Klobuchar also has a great resume too, and that people like her, but we are still unsure if she has a tattoo of a klobuchar above her you know what. 

Pete Buttigieg as Jordi el Nino Polla 

Pete Buttigieg aka the "Gay Mayor" is the young star out to make a name for himself. He's risen high in the polls and his young boyish charm has helped him get blow jobs from the mother of the girls he is supposed to be tutoring. 

Beto o'Rourke as Charles Dera

Beto is another young political stud who loves a good fitting pair of jeans. If his name doesn't make you think of Mexican people then his vocabulary surely will. And Charles Dera, well who the **** is that? Some say he's the Tom Selleck of porn, was Tom Selleck Mexican? Whatever. 

Elizabeth Warren as Cherokee 

Do we even need to say anything here? You know it, we know it, being Native American gives no more moral standing than being European when it comes to taking poor countries last remains resources.  

Andrew Yang as Asa Akira

Before you say wow that's racist, it is. But can you name another asian porn star or even another Asian-American candidate who made it this far in an American election?  We can't. 

Kamala Harris as Kim Kardashian 

But Kim isn't a porn star, wha wha wha. Sure she might not be a porn star and Kamala isn't a politician, but they both have fucked over too many black men for us to count. 

Cory Booker as Bald Gay Black Man 

Cory Booker looks like a clone of himself. Which is why he is Bald Gay Black Man, who has a real name but for our purposes will remain nameless, as will Booker once he's led off the stage and forced back into a lab where the rest of his bland features will be made more prominent. 

And last but not least

Bernie Sanders as Johnny Sins

Bernie is the only person on this list who knows how to f**k. You ever seen a Johnny Sins video? If you haven't, go and ask your cousin Dale what he thinks of Johnny Sins' work and he'll probably say something like, "oh that dude lay some serious pipe."